


In Between

by corvus_corvus



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, Character Death, Friendship, Friendship-level Laven, Grief/Mourning, I can't actually stand this fic, I don't really ship Laven but I think this interaction makes sense, I wrote this forever ago, M/M, Minor Character Death, Swearing, Ugh, but it's sitting on my computer doing nothing so, have fun, here it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 12:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13434936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvus_corvus/pseuds/corvus_corvus
Summary: Lavi is back, but Bookman is not with him.





	In Between

The grey landscape of London greets him. Lavi isn’t sure whether or not he is glad to see it, but he does know he should have no opinion of the sort. These emotions have always been useless. Everything is still, quiet, gray, and he feels out of place with his black clothes and red hair.

Out of place. Another useless emotion.

Lavi finally made it back to the Black Order Headquarters. He leans forward using the last remnants of his strength to push open the heavy oak doors; he struggles, but soon makes it through and walks down the old, once-castle halls. 

He has to report to Komui, that he knows, and was desperate to do even when his body begs for him to just curl up on the floor and sleep until he could heal. Framed portraits on the walls surrounding him bore into him accusingly and the gleaming, freshly polished glass covering them reflects his own face back at him. Lavi grimaces. He hates his reflection.   
___

Suddenly, as though he had always been standing there, he is at Komui’s door. Lavi pulls extra air into his lungs before releasing it slowly and silently. Raising his right arm, he knocks on the door and in a short moment, it was opens.

“Lavi! Welcome home.” He reachs to give him a hug, but Lavi stands still and Komui lowers his arms as he realizes the gravity of the situation. Lavi is back; he is alive and moving and appears to be barely injured.

Lavi is back. 

Lavi is back.

But Bookman is not with him.

Komui finally makes eye contact with Lavi noticing the deep purple bags under his eyes, the added slump to his shoulders. “Oh, God,” Komui gasps. “Oh, Lord. No. He is. Is he.”

“Dead,” Lavi mutters. His eyes are flat and remain fixed in the same place as before. “I am here to give you my report.” With that, Lavi hands him a thin stack of papers covered with Lavi’s precise scrawl and turns to walk out the door. His hand has just connected with the door handle when he is stopped.

“Lavi, wait,” Komui places his hand on the young man’s shoulder trying to give some comfort, something, anything. “Can I get you coffee? Tea?” The redhead shakes his head without turning around. “Do you want to talk about it? We’ve all lost someone important in this war.” Another shake of the head. Komui continues, desperate. “Can I do anything for you?” Lavi hesitates, but shakes his head again. Komui sighs, feeling helpless and defeated; the mourning process has begun again. 

Neither man moves, whether for fear of startling the other or because they are stuck in their own world of sorrow, it remains unclear. They stand frozen and grieving. After a moment, Lavi releases a deep breath and leans forward to push open the door that separates this room, this suffocating space, from the rest of the world. Komui’s hand slides off Lavi’s shoulder as the redhead takes the first few steps out of the room. Komui remains motionless as he says “I’m sorry, Lavi.”

There is a split-second pause in Lavi’s step before he replies, “Call me Bookman.”  
___

Whether out of habit or just plain thoughtlessness, Lavi’s feet take him back to the Order’s library. He didn’t even notice until he faces the familiar door that he spends most of his time behind. He was always there, always there with ji-

No.

No pet names. No affection. He was there with the previous Bookman. No one special, not the person that raised him, not the person who was practically his father, just a Bookman. No attachments. 

He continues into the library, practically his room. Why does the Order insist on giving him another room when he spends all his hours, waking and sleeping, here? He reaches for a book off the nearest shelf. Ah, Italian, his first language, not that he is ever allowed to admit such information about himself. Not that he ever wants to, either. He pulls back a chair from the desk he usually works at, the desk that knew him better than any other living human, and curls up with the book, ready to lose himself in its pages and forget his reality. Ready to relax, to try and forget and to finally, finally sleep. 

There is a scuffling sound and soft footsteps coming in his direction; he sighs. Can’t he get a moment alone? The person rounds the corner of the nearest bookcase and jumps as he realizes there was another person in the library. Lavi tiredly looks up from his book to see Allen’s face.

Allen smiles. “Lavi, I didn’t know you were back!”

“Yup.” Put on the smile. Look friendly. Friendly and frivolous.

“Are you okay?” The explicit expression of concern sets off warning bells in Lavi’s head. Evade him. Hide. Get away. Do something.

“Yeah, fine. Why?”

“What happened?” Nothing happened. Nothing. Nothing.

“Normal mission stuff. Wrong information leads you the wrong way, so we didn’t end up finding anything after all. Sucks, but it happens.”

“Lavi, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Really, Allen, I just got back so I’m tired. That’s all. That’s probably what you’re seeing.”

Allen sighs and rolls his eyes, “Right, I certainly believe that. Nonetheless, what are you doing here right after a mission? I know Bookman wants you to work but even he must know that you need rest, too.”

A moment of silence.

“Ah, you know him, Allen.”

“No, you paused.” Allen points at Lavi accusingly. He looks even more worried than before. “You never pause like that. It’s something with him, isn’t it? Is he hurt? Is he sick?” Allen stops again and his eyes widen.

“Is he dead?”

Lavi leans back in his chair and laces his fingers behind his head as he releases a deep breath. The two sit frozen and silent, Allen desperately tries to make eye contact and Lavi desperately avoids it. Finally, Lavi speaks, “Yeah. He’s dead. Dead as a doornail. Did you know that the first recorded use of that phrase was in 1350?” He puts on his best grin and hopes that it will reach his eyes.

“Don’t avoid the subject, Lavi.”

Lavi sighs again. “Why not? It doesn’t matter that he’s dead. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine.”

“We both know that’s a lie. And a poor one at that.” Allen reaches forward to put a hand on Lavi’s shoulder, but it is harshly shrugged off. Lavi glares.

“Don’t you dare try to comfort me. There’s nothing wrong. The old man didn’t matter to me anyways.”

“Lavi! How can you say that? I may not know anything about your past or your life or anything of the sort but I don’t need to know that to know that he raised you. He might as well be your father. The way you two interacted always indicated that. Lying to yourself won’t change it.”

“Leave me alone. I’m fine”

Allen fumes at that. “You stupid bastard! I’m not going to let you deny your grief!” His eyes were narrow and his fists shake with rage. “Do you know how many people I’ve watched be destroyed by their denial? How many people I’ve seen fall sick with their unexpressed sorrow? You can’t do this and live. Or stay sane for that matter. You have to grieve!”

“No, I fucking don’t!” Lavi stands suddenly and shoves Allen back against a bookshelf before pining him against it. He leans forward until they are uncomfortably close, eye-to-eye. Lavi speaks through gritted teeth, “I don’t have to do anything! This is all stupid and I hate it. I hate it so fucking much! I don’t want to feel! I don’t want this stupid pain! I don’t want this goddamn grief! I’m not supposed to care!”

Allen softly smiles despite the glare being directed at him. “That’s it. Let it out. Bottling it up won’t do you any good.”

“Shut up! This is all your fault! You are making me care. I’m not supposed to grieve! I was fine until you came in here and started poking at me like I’m some animal in a cage! I had myself together! Together! I was going to be fine! I was going to make him proud and be a proper Bookman! And now you’re making me fail him!”

“Oh, right. This is all my fault, huh? Then do something about it, Bookman!”

Before he could think, Lavi swings his right arm and his fist connects with Allen’s face.

Allen is sprawled out on the ground, wide-eyed with shock. Lavi remains standing, staring at his still-shaking fist. “Oh, shit, Allen. I didn’t mean to do that. I don’t know what–”

And then the laughter begins.

It is loud, boisterous laughter; sincere and full and never-ending as it echoes through the countless rows of books. Allen’s chest heaves with the force of it. And all Lavi can do is gape confusedly.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it-ha-look like I’m doing?” He squishes the words in between his laughter and his gasps for breath. “I’m laughing, you bloody idiot!” And with that Lavi can’t help but crack a small smile as he slides down next to his friend. 

Lavi lets loose a light chuckle. “I punched you, hard, by the way, so you’re laughing? What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” he gasps, “that isn’t wrong with you.”

“Well, if that isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is.” Silence reigns for minutes as each sat collecting their thoughts while Allen catches his breath. Finally, Lavi speaks. “Thanks, Allen.” He keeps his gaze averted. He isn’t ready to make eye contact. “For that. Whatever that was.” He draws his legs to his chest and wraps his arms around them, pressing his face into his knees.

“Of course,” Allen replies as he sits up. He gently places his arm around Lavi’s shoulders before ruffling his hand through the red hair. “You’re my best friend. You matter to me.”

Ever so quietly, Lavi speaks. “I know I’m not supposed to say it,” he mutters half hoping Allen could hear and half hoping he can’t, “but you matter to me, too.”

Leaning towards Lavi’s ear, Allen whispers, “Good.”


End file.
